I told you in the last blog that this was at least a two part blog. Thanks for hanging in there with me as I share my thoughts with you.
As I said, things changed when one of my best friends suddenly told me that he wanted to date me. I was shocked, excited, and thrilled! Someone actually liked me as a girl and not just as one of the boys. We began to date and before long, he told me he loved me. He would tell me daily how beautiful I was and how much he loved me (still does to this day over 25 years later). I felt like a real, cute girl not a frumpy, fat elephant.
We eventually decided to get married. Things that could go wrong with this plan did for me. I couldn't find the dress I had dreamed of in my size or price range. I ended up having my mom make my dress. That caused the old ugliness of being less than pretty, fat, etc back up. This continued to reek havoc on me to the point that I eventually asked for a family only wedding because I was afraid of being the fat bride that everyone talked about. Everyone agreed and we got married.
As time moved forward we found out I was pregnant with our first. I loved being pregnant (after I got over the morning sickness). Unfortunately, I had a horrendous case of post partum depression once my son came. I felt fat all the time. I would diet and lose a bit but everywhere I looked, everyone was skinny. I felt like a whale once again.
We had 2 more boys and by the time the 3rd came along, I had decided that I didn't care anymore. But I did. I knew in my heart that if I didn't do something that I would lose my husband to someone prettier, skinnier, etc. That was far from the truth but it was my perception. I tried diets and exercise, weight watchers, and it was almost obsessive with me. My husband told me many times that he loved me the way I was and that I was beautiful. I just couldn't get that through my head. I thought that if I didn't lose 100 pounds I was doomed. Diets, etc. started up and failed.
One day, I woke up and decided enough was enough. I wasn't ever going to be a size 6. I was healthy. I was happy and I had a family who loved me. I was done trying to live up to the world's expectations. I started living life. It was a turning point for me.
Lately, I have been thinking about how I look and I would like to lose some weight. I am being realistic in how much I want to lose. The thing is this, someone told me recently that the reason that a lot of people gain weight is that they get into a relationship, etc and become happy so they eat more. I am pretty sure I took it wrong but it sounded like that if you are happy and are eating and exercising then you should be a skinny person. Why? Why do I have to be a size 6, 8, 10. Why can't I be happy, eat what I like in moderation, exercise, and not be a skinny mini? Another person told me that if I tried harder then I would actually lose weight. I didn't even know this person. Why are they judging me based on how I look? Why can't I be seen for who I am? Why is everything tied to looks, weight, etc? I hate that society ties everything to weight and looks.
When you see me, you will see that I am far from skinny. I am happy. I eat what I like in moderation. I do exercise. I live life fully. I am not a glamour girl. I don't wear a lot of makeup and I could care less if I have the latest style of clothes (I love my blue jeans!!). This is a far cry from when I was younger but there comes a time when you wake up and realize you are 47 years old and there are so many other things that are important.
My perception then was distorted and twisted. Now, I think I have it right. Time will tell.
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